It's been AGES since I posted anything here, and my life has literally turned upside down since the last post... but i'm going to make this short since there is too much to say right now and my mind isn't in the place to do it...
PLEASE CHECK OUT THE NEW WEBSITE! I am very pleased with it, and I hope you will be too. AND... you can easily buy my work now at the click of a button. Hurrah!
www.shiraloa.com
thank you!
11.09.2009
6.30.2009
metalsmithing nunchucks, hiiiii-yah...?
It has been some time since i have had the time or presence to write... this is due to being in an intensive certification program at Revere Academy of Jewelry Arts. It was only two months, but it was all day every day, and was quite a change from what my life has been for going on 5 years now. I expected to come out swinging metalsmithing nunchucks... and I am not feeling that right now. Am I glad I did the program? I have very mixed feelings.
On the one hand, I definitely learned things, filled in gaps in my knowledge, acquired new tools, and made a couple of decent connections. Oh yeah, and i have this piece of paper on the wall that looks fancy and says i am a "Jewelry Technician".
On the other hand, I could have learned 10 times as much had Alan Revere himself not taught the class. Unfortunately, although the man has skill and organization, he represented case in point that just because you can do something well does NOT mean you can TEACH it well. I left feeling like i had spent way more money than any of it was worth, and with a bad taste in my mouth about where that money was going and how it was spent. If you are thinking of taking classes at Revere, I highly advise you to avoid his classes. if you can get a class with Ronda Coryell, please DO. She is wonderful, sweet, and inspiring. On the occasions when she stepped in to teach, I was suddenly excited and eager, like i was way back when I was in college. It was odd to recognize in myself that I can be a fantastic student when I have the right teacher/environment, and a total bad-kid pain-in-the-ass student when i don't. Good reflection, i guess, and also food for thought for my own teaching.
Most of all, I was intensely eager to have my life back, my own schedule, and to have time to use some of the new skills I gained. Because of the intensive nature of the program, there was no time to practice and get good at the processes we were learning. That was a major downfall for me, as I learn best by DOING. So now that i am out of school, I would think that I would be slinging tons of new wares... but I find myself clumsy and fumbling. I have so many new ideas, many new toys... however I realized last night that instead of suddenly coming out with all sorts of new creations, what i really need is time to really practice and experiment. I want what I learned to set in; I want to make really advanced pieces. To do that, I am going to have screw up for a while. That is a very hard thing to accept for an impatient, self-critical perfectionist. It's also hard for someone who just spent their savings on school and tools and has barely any other income than what she produces. It's downright scary. I have put all of my faith into my art, and suddenly I feel like a newborn again...
I will say, however, that my studio has expanded and it is totally and incredibly DOPE. The space itself is open, bright, clean, and comfortable. My wealth of tools is a blessing beyond belief. I am so very lucky, and in no way am I complaining about such a situation. what I am afeared of is making sure that I can afford it, when all I want is to have a release from financial pressure long enough to hone my skills.... and THEN I will come out with a new line of work that will surely be successful with it's high-caliber of craftsmanship.
Dear Universe, please take care of me and my good intentions?
On the one hand, I definitely learned things, filled in gaps in my knowledge, acquired new tools, and made a couple of decent connections. Oh yeah, and i have this piece of paper on the wall that looks fancy and says i am a "Jewelry Technician".
On the other hand, I could have learned 10 times as much had Alan Revere himself not taught the class. Unfortunately, although the man has skill and organization, he represented case in point that just because you can do something well does NOT mean you can TEACH it well. I left feeling like i had spent way more money than any of it was worth, and with a bad taste in my mouth about where that money was going and how it was spent. If you are thinking of taking classes at Revere, I highly advise you to avoid his classes. if you can get a class with Ronda Coryell, please DO. She is wonderful, sweet, and inspiring. On the occasions when she stepped in to teach, I was suddenly excited and eager, like i was way back when I was in college. It was odd to recognize in myself that I can be a fantastic student when I have the right teacher/environment, and a total bad-kid pain-in-the-ass student when i don't. Good reflection, i guess, and also food for thought for my own teaching.
Most of all, I was intensely eager to have my life back, my own schedule, and to have time to use some of the new skills I gained. Because of the intensive nature of the program, there was no time to practice and get good at the processes we were learning. That was a major downfall for me, as I learn best by DOING. So now that i am out of school, I would think that I would be slinging tons of new wares... but I find myself clumsy and fumbling. I have so many new ideas, many new toys... however I realized last night that instead of suddenly coming out with all sorts of new creations, what i really need is time to really practice and experiment. I want what I learned to set in; I want to make really advanced pieces. To do that, I am going to have screw up for a while. That is a very hard thing to accept for an impatient, self-critical perfectionist. It's also hard for someone who just spent their savings on school and tools and has barely any other income than what she produces. It's downright scary. I have put all of my faith into my art, and suddenly I feel like a newborn again...
I will say, however, that my studio has expanded and it is totally and incredibly DOPE. The space itself is open, bright, clean, and comfortable. My wealth of tools is a blessing beyond belief. I am so very lucky, and in no way am I complaining about such a situation. what I am afeared of is making sure that I can afford it, when all I want is to have a release from financial pressure long enough to hone my skills.... and THEN I will come out with a new line of work that will surely be successful with it's high-caliber of craftsmanship.
Dear Universe, please take care of me and my good intentions?
4.13.2009
Dreamtime Notions
i danced myself aware-
more aware than i have felt in so very long-
of every cell in my body.
the tendrils of my being weaving through each one
and finally felt healed and whole,
complete.
during this process, the birds who seek beauty circled.
they swooped, they pecked.
i danced on.
i smiled and twirled in their wake, unafraid, strong.
sparrows, hummingbirds, kestrels, so many feathered beauties
flitted about my body, brushing, tugging.
and it is not that i didn't see them, or appreciate their winged kisses,
but that i refused to engage
in order to dive deeper into trance
unhindered.
then the eagle came.
it is then that i convince myself i danced into dream,
for i let him dance with me
after shooing so many away.
it must have been dream,
for i opened my wings
and we became winged serpents
resplendent
with tongues and swirling tails that touched.
i was whole and complete but there was a power, a light
that beckoned me out of my heart-whole shell
and i allowed the call to seep through, call me away from the music.
suddenly flight was more beautiful than dancing
and i twirled up and after this mirage and away from my ritualistic solitude.
i danced into dream.
it must have been dream-
because it traveled so deeply and swiftly between place and emotion;
from hallway to hilltop,
from bright beautiful iris to stumbling in the darkness,
from open to shut, from burn to cut...
and all of a sudden i wake up alone
a day later
my wings tangled with the sheets,
an alarm call ringing me awake...
and i think i *must* have danced myself into dream.
i stand up to find my leg muscles screaming,
my heart
shaking a fist
at the dreamtime notions
of flight.
more aware than i have felt in so very long-
of every cell in my body.
the tendrils of my being weaving through each one
and finally felt healed and whole,
complete.
during this process, the birds who seek beauty circled.
they swooped, they pecked.
i danced on.
i smiled and twirled in their wake, unafraid, strong.
sparrows, hummingbirds, kestrels, so many feathered beauties
flitted about my body, brushing, tugging.
and it is not that i didn't see them, or appreciate their winged kisses,
but that i refused to engage
in order to dive deeper into trance
unhindered.
then the eagle came.
it is then that i convince myself i danced into dream,
for i let him dance with me
after shooing so many away.
it must have been dream,
for i opened my wings
and we became winged serpents
resplendent
with tongues and swirling tails that touched.
i was whole and complete but there was a power, a light
that beckoned me out of my heart-whole shell
and i allowed the call to seep through, call me away from the music.
suddenly flight was more beautiful than dancing
and i twirled up and after this mirage and away from my ritualistic solitude.
i danced into dream.
it must have been dream-
because it traveled so deeply and swiftly between place and emotion;
from hallway to hilltop,
from bright beautiful iris to stumbling in the darkness,
from open to shut, from burn to cut...
and all of a sudden i wake up alone
a day later
my wings tangled with the sheets,
an alarm call ringing me awake...
and i think i *must* have danced myself into dream.
i stand up to find my leg muscles screaming,
my heart
shaking a fist
at the dreamtime notions
of flight.
4.01.2009
stretch 'cross the void.
from Shen... who i am excited to dance to on thursday...
"lines of forgetting change
lines of sight
leaves drifting
petals in the night
our magic is a surgery
closing over wounds
we stretch 'cross the void
searching for the womb
remember who you are
and what you came to do
soak it all in whatever you do
remember who you are
and what you came to do
soak it all in
soak it all in
times of regret turn to times of might
the river never stops
recognize the sights
the power of being - opening to life
it could take a thousand years
it could happen in a night
soak it all in"
"lines of forgetting change
lines of sight
leaves drifting
petals in the night
our magic is a surgery
closing over wounds
we stretch 'cross the void
searching for the womb
remember who you are
and what you came to do
soak it all in whatever you do
remember who you are
and what you came to do
soak it all in
soak it all in
times of regret turn to times of might
the river never stops
recognize the sights
the power of being - opening to life
it could take a thousand years
it could happen in a night
soak it all in"
Some Days, Some Nights (the little shiny)
Some nights are long with music, clarity of vision, of delight in dirty fingertips, in hours that do not stay. The way the light shines off a surface that has been loved a hundred times by the kiss of a hammer, the slice of a blade to make way for image and form; curve and bend, join, begin again. Freedom in solitude, secrets woven in bouquets of ore... and the way it all causes forgetful reverence.
Some days are long with loneliness; surrounded only by objects, by unfinished dreams, visions crucified by too much contemplation, then abandoned. An overture of could-bes and a symphony of would-haves. The hours mockingly creep forward, dragging scattered visions and scratches across the surface of thought. I am suddenly overrun by a world of too many options, too many possibilities, leading to a choke hold of non-doing.
There is no true peace- it is all a flurry of feeling, of wanting, of grieving. A new beginning signals a death, however quiet, of some part of life, and every moment breathes a breath that either caves or swells a heart in its wake. It is in losing everything that we learn we need nothing to maintain that process. But without the love in each other’s eyes, without some liquid light form of commonality, we lose our perspective of the *why*... of which there is none. we ask too many questions.
I died a hundred deaths in recent weeks. Daily rituals of reduction, of disassembling. Some days I knew not how to put one foot ahead of another, a toes’ breadth of ground was too much distance to walk. Some nights I was cradled by a voice of love crackling over the phone that reminded me of my singularity and strength, just by the timbre of its song. Some days I wandered amongst my tumbling tiers and could not but knock my shins on rocks and cut my knees on each fall, squinting at sky and forgetting the brightness of life even as my eyes react in miosis. Some nights I met a stranger I have always loved and forgot that any sadness has equal or greater joy, the scent of jasmine and sweetness of mango releasing the noose of my fears.
I have been lost, and found again.
Fear of the future’s flakey promises creates a vacuum in the mind. It sucks out all we have in each perfect moment of life. I am guilty a million times a day. yet I store the light in my pores from the perfections of wonder in the unfolding of the world; this makes the night just as bright as the sunlight that my sadness and worry swallowed whole. I can understand a day of solitude and discontent at purpose when it is put in line with the little shiny, or the luscious creases around a pair of wise and playful eyes; the creative unfolding where two souls speak their artistry.
It takes one to know one.
I glow because I swallow and emanate all that is given to me each day.
Some days being naked is a renewal, not a revealing.
Beholden to my weaknesses, I find the discarded diamonds strewn at my feet.
3.22.2009
"Imagine No Possessions...
...it's easy if you try...."
i've got john lennon singing in my head. things could be worse. that's what i am trying to remember right now. i'm holding my serpent friends and watching them prepare to shed their skin. remembering that i must, as well.
i was robbed friday night of many possessions that i held very very close to my heart. but it was attaching myself to those things, and to the money that bought them which gave me so much pain when they were gone.
honestly, this position of release would have come to me sooner, had it not been for the fact that this happened on a night that had already gone very, very wrong, after several weeks that had gone wrong, after, well... it's been a very challenging year thus far. all the pieces that have fallen around me lately make each individual thing seem a whole lot greater in magnitude. but here i am, alive. breathing. i give thanks for that. and i acknowledge that the things that don't kill us make us stronger, and that i am being stripped of my power and my securities and my loves and my sentimentalities so that i can come to peace with my Self. and that's not an easy place to come to if you cling on to things and old patterns and methods of avoidance and self doubt.
yes, i am still frightened, and still get swathes of hot, putrid air packed with fear and sadnes swashing over me... but i am loved and blessed. i will now breathe that in to my belly- the place i never like to go- and let it fill me. because... what else could i do? i want this bombardment of darkness to quit, and i know not what to do but to surrender as fully as i can.
and now, to my possessions taken, i release you with one last homage. i acknowledge your importance in my life, your "value"... and then i let you go. i was able to come to this place only after walking the streets of san francisco (thanks Orange) looking for discarded items, and instead of finding my things, i saw emptiness, homelessness, destitute and lost people. i saw how blessed i was to still have a (beautiful) coat on my back. and as sad as i am that probably the most important of my possessions that were taken were probably discarded as meaningless to the person that took them, there is no point in feeling anger for someone who was most likely in a state of utter desparation.
i will try to quit asking "why".
THE LIST for LETTING GO:
-1 guitar- given to me at age 15- in a black soft case with painted symbols from friends 11 years ago when i was leaving on a journey.
-1 black purse- the perfect one- with beautiful hand-painted designs by Shrine.
-2 sets of keys- to my Studio, to my Rv, which had a warning note on it when i came home that it was going to be towed. ha.
-1 wallet with credit cards and bank cards, business cards, receipts.
-1 receipt for the adventures of the hours previous, during which i called AAA to get my keys out of my locked car, and borrowed a friend's vehicle to return to said car, and then 1 receipt for the subsequent $370 towing that happened when i was returning friend's vehicle and getting a ride to pick up my car. i had planned to use those receipts to contest the tow... now there are too many things to deal with.
-1 pair of relatively new glasses, in their case. no more driving at night for shira for a while...
-various personal items such as a gifted crystal, lip glosses, and random bottom-of-the-purse type things.
-adaptor for my phone.
1 car phone charger.
black toiletries bag:
-makeup
-flower necklace with an opal set in it that i made
-earrings that brent and i shared, and which i had removed for the first time in months out of my ears but took them along with me just in case i wanted to put them back in.
-special oil that brent gave me for xmas and that i wear daily.
-white box with approximately 6 pairs of kiyumi earrings, plus the headband that dan and narayani made me for my birthday.
Green/black backpack that i have had for about 10 years, gone on many an adventure or daily trek with:
my journal
some of my favorite and most-worn clothing.
-that little black vest i wear every other day..
-my newish lexi pants that i splurged on a couple months ago.
-a skirt that Alix Sun made, gifted to me by KLC.
-the 10 year old pants that Swan gave me that we were going to make a pattern for.
-my fave tank top
-a couple other shirts that i wear often
-digital camera that i use for my work and pleasure, and its computer cord.
-phone charger
-various personal items and random bits.
-a book that Brendan lent me.
i release you, items. may your cords to me be cut, may i let go of the pain of your absence. may i find strength in your passing, may i find the money to replace what needs to be replaced, or else make peace with no longer having that material element in my life.
i've got john lennon singing in my head. things could be worse. that's what i am trying to remember right now. i'm holding my serpent friends and watching them prepare to shed their skin. remembering that i must, as well.
i was robbed friday night of many possessions that i held very very close to my heart. but it was attaching myself to those things, and to the money that bought them which gave me so much pain when they were gone.
honestly, this position of release would have come to me sooner, had it not been for the fact that this happened on a night that had already gone very, very wrong, after several weeks that had gone wrong, after, well... it's been a very challenging year thus far. all the pieces that have fallen around me lately make each individual thing seem a whole lot greater in magnitude. but here i am, alive. breathing. i give thanks for that. and i acknowledge that the things that don't kill us make us stronger, and that i am being stripped of my power and my securities and my loves and my sentimentalities so that i can come to peace with my Self. and that's not an easy place to come to if you cling on to things and old patterns and methods of avoidance and self doubt.
yes, i am still frightened, and still get swathes of hot, putrid air packed with fear and sadnes swashing over me... but i am loved and blessed. i will now breathe that in to my belly- the place i never like to go- and let it fill me. because... what else could i do? i want this bombardment of darkness to quit, and i know not what to do but to surrender as fully as i can.
and now, to my possessions taken, i release you with one last homage. i acknowledge your importance in my life, your "value"... and then i let you go. i was able to come to this place only after walking the streets of san francisco (thanks Orange) looking for discarded items, and instead of finding my things, i saw emptiness, homelessness, destitute and lost people. i saw how blessed i was to still have a (beautiful) coat on my back. and as sad as i am that probably the most important of my possessions that were taken were probably discarded as meaningless to the person that took them, there is no point in feeling anger for someone who was most likely in a state of utter desparation.
i will try to quit asking "why".
THE LIST for LETTING GO:
-1 guitar- given to me at age 15- in a black soft case with painted symbols from friends 11 years ago when i was leaving on a journey.
-1 black purse- the perfect one- with beautiful hand-painted designs by Shrine.
-2 sets of keys- to my Studio, to my Rv, which had a warning note on it when i came home that it was going to be towed. ha.
-1 wallet with credit cards and bank cards, business cards, receipts.
-1 receipt for the adventures of the hours previous, during which i called AAA to get my keys out of my locked car, and borrowed a friend's vehicle to return to said car, and then 1 receipt for the subsequent $370 towing that happened when i was returning friend's vehicle and getting a ride to pick up my car. i had planned to use those receipts to contest the tow... now there are too many things to deal with.
-1 pair of relatively new glasses, in their case. no more driving at night for shira for a while...
-various personal items such as a gifted crystal, lip glosses, and random bottom-of-the-purse type things.
-adaptor for my phone.
1 car phone charger.
black toiletries bag:
-makeup
-flower necklace with an opal set in it that i made
-earrings that brent and i shared, and which i had removed for the first time in months out of my ears but took them along with me just in case i wanted to put them back in.
-special oil that brent gave me for xmas and that i wear daily.
-white box with approximately 6 pairs of kiyumi earrings, plus the headband that dan and narayani made me for my birthday.
Green/black backpack that i have had for about 10 years, gone on many an adventure or daily trek with:
my journal
some of my favorite and most-worn clothing.
-that little black vest i wear every other day..
-my newish lexi pants that i splurged on a couple months ago.
-a skirt that Alix Sun made, gifted to me by KLC.
-the 10 year old pants that Swan gave me that we were going to make a pattern for.
-my fave tank top
-a couple other shirts that i wear often
-digital camera that i use for my work and pleasure, and its computer cord.
-phone charger
-various personal items and random bits.
-a book that Brendan lent me.
i release you, items. may your cords to me be cut, may i let go of the pain of your absence. may i find strength in your passing, may i find the money to replace what needs to be replaced, or else make peace with no longer having that material element in my life.
3.13.2009
frozen
yesterday my neck and shoulder seized up and left me basically immobile. i can't turn my head in either direction. i can't work in my studio. i can't go for a walk in the sunshine. i can't function, but for sitting in bed and using the computer. i can still do stuff online, but... it's frustrating, to say the least. i know that this is my body telling me to STOP... but i just can't. there are so many things i want to be doing, and it is very rare that i look back on a day and think "wow, i got so much done and i feel great about it." it's always about making peace with how little on my list got checked off. so either this neck freeze thing is a way for me to REALLY make peace with it, to accept that every moment is fine no matter what, or else it's just another damn inconvenience that is slowing me down like the rest of them that have been going on lately.
the sun is shining brilliantly here in berkeley, and i am so grateful for it, even from inside my room. i am so grateful that i can go through each day and be surrounded by green and surrounded by the beautiful things in my life- my possessions, my incredible friends. And i do have a sense of purpose right now, a sense that the direction in which i am moving is the right one; for the first time, "success" hovers on my horizon, in view. but mountain ranges are deceiving... you can see them and they look closer than they are. it is a long journey to actually get to the base of them, and then another whole adventure to climb your way up. at least i am moving forward. but every day i feel like i am crawling instead of cruising. and every day is more expensive than the last.
i am working on faith here; faith in my purpose and my work, and faith that this recession is not forever, that things will turn around. I am not working for anyone else, barely pulling in money, spending more than i have... but my drive feels different than ever before, and this is my only comfort. i have popped the bubble that i floated in the last 10 years. the one that held me inside my art-for-art's-sake mentality. the one that deflected the desire for or admittance of need for money. no, i'm ready for that now, to make it, to feel positive about it, to feel stable with it. i'm even ready to admit that i can make things that aren't art and make money off them, or, GASP!, cast things that aren't really "art" to me so that i am freed up to do more intricate work.
I say to the universe that i am ready for all of these things, but yet time and again i am slapped with things that slow me down, hold me up. it's very possible that i am not hermiting as i need to, as i have before. I do make socializing a priority sometimes when maybe i should not. but i get so holed up in my head that i feel strongly pulled towards the social stimulation/distraction that this city provides. it's dangerous though, intoxicating (in many ways), and does not help me focus. it's all about finding a balance, i know, but i have not found it yet. i oscillate too swiftly, to deeply.
i signed up for a gym membership after the decision to take charge more on my physical health. now i can't even go for a walk.
i signed up for school to advance my career, but now due to other financial hang-ups that have reared their ugly head, i must charge my tuition to my credit card.
i started work on a new website to help launch my business, but my computer crashed, i lost files, and now keep hitting walls when i try to work on the site.
i am totally focused on my business (kiyumi) but everything takes twice as long because my biz partner lives in a different state.
i broke up with my boyfriend because i wanted to focus on my career and because we were fighting too much, yet he remains the one that is consistently my light, my support, my encouragement, closest to my heart.
confusion much?
i am driven by desire, by my heart, by my dreams. i have goals, my compass is pointing, my mind is made, so why the kinks? why the hold-ups? what does this mean?
the sun is shining brilliantly here in berkeley, and i am so grateful for it, even from inside my room. i am so grateful that i can go through each day and be surrounded by green and surrounded by the beautiful things in my life- my possessions, my incredible friends. And i do have a sense of purpose right now, a sense that the direction in which i am moving is the right one; for the first time, "success" hovers on my horizon, in view. but mountain ranges are deceiving... you can see them and they look closer than they are. it is a long journey to actually get to the base of them, and then another whole adventure to climb your way up. at least i am moving forward. but every day i feel like i am crawling instead of cruising. and every day is more expensive than the last.
i am working on faith here; faith in my purpose and my work, and faith that this recession is not forever, that things will turn around. I am not working for anyone else, barely pulling in money, spending more than i have... but my drive feels different than ever before, and this is my only comfort. i have popped the bubble that i floated in the last 10 years. the one that held me inside my art-for-art's-sake mentality. the one that deflected the desire for or admittance of need for money. no, i'm ready for that now, to make it, to feel positive about it, to feel stable with it. i'm even ready to admit that i can make things that aren't art and make money off them, or, GASP!, cast things that aren't really "art" to me so that i am freed up to do more intricate work.
I say to the universe that i am ready for all of these things, but yet time and again i am slapped with things that slow me down, hold me up. it's very possible that i am not hermiting as i need to, as i have before. I do make socializing a priority sometimes when maybe i should not. but i get so holed up in my head that i feel strongly pulled towards the social stimulation/distraction that this city provides. it's dangerous though, intoxicating (in many ways), and does not help me focus. it's all about finding a balance, i know, but i have not found it yet. i oscillate too swiftly, to deeply.
i signed up for a gym membership after the decision to take charge more on my physical health. now i can't even go for a walk.
i signed up for school to advance my career, but now due to other financial hang-ups that have reared their ugly head, i must charge my tuition to my credit card.
i started work on a new website to help launch my business, but my computer crashed, i lost files, and now keep hitting walls when i try to work on the site.
i am totally focused on my business (kiyumi) but everything takes twice as long because my biz partner lives in a different state.
i broke up with my boyfriend because i wanted to focus on my career and because we were fighting too much, yet he remains the one that is consistently my light, my support, my encouragement, closest to my heart.
confusion much?
i am driven by desire, by my heart, by my dreams. i have goals, my compass is pointing, my mind is made, so why the kinks? why the hold-ups? what does this mean?
2.26.2009
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